


To Die By Your Side, The Pleasure, The Privilege, Is Mine

by Yaki_Chizu



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Agender Character, Agender Hange Zoë, Angst, Canon Era, One Shot, Other, levihan - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-21
Updated: 2015-12-21
Packaged: 2018-05-08 01:54:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,795
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5478953
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yaki_Chizu/pseuds/Yaki_Chizu
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>An accident leaves Levi in dire straights. Suddenly Humanity's Strongest doesn't seem that way.</p>
            </blockquote>





	To Die By Your Side, The Pleasure, The Privilege, Is Mine

**Author's Note:**

> I was challenged to an angst off for LeviHan on Tumblr. The rules were one shot, canon era. Here it is.

_Thump. Thump. Thump._

What was that noise? Was that a heartbeat, a footstep, the sounds of blades hacking away at flesh? Everything felt thousands of miles away, memories felt impossible to grasp. Blank. That was a good way to describe this feeling. And yet, it wasn’t. Because there was still feeling. A thin sheet. A cold sweat. A sharp pain, everywhere. This is a strange state. Like being present but not. Floating. Existing.

And then there is light. Small, fleeting, blurred. A room, an open window. A figure.  _Thump thump_ , the noise they are making. How? A movement of their hands. The light dims a moment as eyes fall shut, only to open to a face so close, so near. Glasses catch the light, but with a tilt of their head, big brown eyes grow clear.

“…Levi, finally.”

 _Finally?_  The man wonders what finally could mean. There’s a voice caught in his throat, and yet, he cannot speak. Something feels stuck. Chalking it up to exhaustion, he looks past their face, noticing the noise that initially called his senses to attention has stopped.

Hanji catches his eye, and turns their head to where his line of vision lies. A small pot with a large stone in it. Tools for grinding herbs into medication. “Oh, that.” A small laugh. “This is something that’s supposed to make you feel better, that is, hurt less. I’ve tested it on Jaeger before and it worked wonders. I’ve been waiting to give it to you.”  _Been waiting a month_. But that was information kept from Levi. Decidedly, it’d only make things worse. “Open up.”

A spoon filled with a green paste is pushed against Levi’s lips, but he’s slow to reacting. He’s still trying to comprehend everything he’d just been told. Everything seemed to be lagging, like he was having trouble focusing. Which was very rare for him.

“Open up,” Hanji urged once more. “Your brain still waking up?” A soft smile appeared as Hanji pulls the spoon back. “Levi…can you hear me?”

Levi, a name. _His_  name. It begins to come back, in pieces, like the bits of a shattered teacup…incidentally where the memories start. Life as a criminal, a soldier, a despicable life surrounded by death. So much death. His eyes reach Hanji’s, and carefully, he nods.

A sign of life, a sign of awareness. Dim hope rises. _He’s too far gone, he’s in poor shape. He won’t last much longer. It’ll be a miracle if he makes it through the night. He’s strong, but the chances of him ever waking up again are slim. It might be best to let him go, Hanji. Levi’s gone_. The voices crowd their thoughts, all words of their fellow peers concerning the fate of “humanity’s strongest”. But Hanji would prove them wrong, ease the minds of the scouts. They’d make Levi ok. They had to.

“Good. Excellent. Now, open up.” Once more they tried, shiny metal spoon pressed to a pair of pale, dry lips. “And then we’ll look about feeding you, yeah?”

No reaction save the parting of his lips as the spoon is eased in. There’s a sharp bitterness, and a desire to spit out what he’d just consumed, but he didn’t. Swallowing the stuff down came with difficulty, however. A pain in his throat, like there’s a knot. Maybe that’s where his voice is hiding.

“Nicely done,” Hanji mused, insufferably cheery and optimistic. They feel they have to be, though. The odds are disgustingly stacked against them, but if they don’t have hope for Levi, who will? A slip in composure a moment before big brown eyes light up once more. “That should help a good deal. I brought you some clean laundry.” Had been each day for the past month. “I’m sure you will probably want to get clean. May I help?”

He’s met with a hand, yet he doesn’t even know if he can move. Staring at this gesture of help, he ordinarily would’ve turned it down but couldn’t this time. Why, he didn’t know, but he couldn’t. A rustling of sheets as he raises his hand, letting thin fingers wrap around theirs.

“There we go.”  _Promising_ , Hanji feels,  _very promising._  Sliding an arm beneath Levi’s shoulder, Hanji helps him sit upright, realizing his frame feels incredibly thin. “A bath and then we definitely need to feed you, get your strength up.”

Levi proves barely able to walk, and Hanji calls it low blood sugar as she carries the man to the bath, and then to the dining hall after he is clean. Eyes catch them sitting alone and Hanji quickly shoos them away. No need to overwhelm Levi just yet.

“I know it’s not as good as you make, but try and eat as much as you can.” Sighing, Hanji looks troubled as the gaze upon Levi’s features. He seems so far away and brittle. “Can you speak?”

Nothing.

Looking away, they could’ve figured as much. “Levi, do you remember what happened?”

He looks up from his food, expression softer than usual. Opening his mouth, there’s that choking feeling again, and it feels difficult to swallow as he shook his head.

The cheery expression fades quickly. Was it wrong to tell him? Hanji knew at some point, he’d have to know. But it was all so dreadful.

* * *

_“You know the mission, Reiner and Bertholdt are to be killed– no exceptions.”_

_It was a bitter pill to swallow, but the scouts knew what they had to do. For the secret of the basement, the good of humanity. Humanity. Ultimately, the goal was to preserve humanity, yes?_

_The scouts rush forth. These thunder spears, as Hanji calls them, prove fiercely effective. Reiner is almost completely blinded. “This is it,” Eren thinks to himself. “A step forward.” His nape is exposed, all that’s left now is to go in for the kill._

_This is where Levi steps in. Death is his specialty. Blade in hand, he rushes forth– but Reiner is not giving up get. The Armored Titan is scared, terrified, but he still fights. Eren is the goal, he needs Eren, and no one will stop him. A hand reaches out, and some scouts scatter to avoid the attack. But Levi is focused on the mission. He knows he can do this, he’s sure of it._

_A wrong turn, and the sharp wire of a 3DMG is around his neck as the operation begins to crumble. There’s chaos as titans begin to break past the initial line of attack. Hanji knows Levi’s in danger, but they trust him to save himself. These thunder spears prove to be more hurt than help at the moment, though. Vision is limited, no one can even see what’s happening. The chord of the maneuver gear tightens, biting into Levi’s skin before there’s another blast. It frees him, but at a cost._

_All Hanji sees now is the man on the ground, he and many others struggling to stand. There’s a bitter taste of failure that she chokes on, and they forget the mission as they desperately try to play medic. But everyone’s hurt– bad. Hanji’s never seen Levi covered in so much blood. As he collapses, they assume the worst, yet there’s still a low, rattling breath. Hope._

* * *

But that was all a month ago. Levi, in theory, should’ve healed. Everyone said he was just going to die. But not Hanji. They’d heard his breath, his heartbeat, and promised themself to not stop holding on to the hope he was going to live. He was here beside them now, after all. “…It’s not important,” they said at last, smiling at Levi. “All that matters is you’re ok.” But they nearly choked on that last word. Levi, most definitely, was not  _ok_. “So, I know I asked already, but can you talk Levi? Can you try?”

The reason they asked was because they’d caught sight of that scar around Levi’s neck, and ugly red band that tore through his pale skin like the ugliest, most horrible piece of jewelry. “Levi?,” they asked again, reaching out and brushing fingers along his chin.  _Say something. Say anything. Call me a name, tell me to shut up. Something._

There was that knot again, like he was choking. Eyes met Hanji’s, as if trying to find them. He looked so distant and lost. He opened his mouth to speak, but nothing come out. Nothing at all. It isn’t a choice, nothing can come out.

It breaks Hanji’s heart, but they don’t let Levi see it. “Ah, things probably need to heal a bit more. You never were much of a talker anyways.”

But Levi doesn’t know what to feel. A hand goes to his neck, feels that hellish scar, and he tries to think of what the hell could’ve happened. But it doesn’t come to him, no real recent memories will.

Hanji watches him, and pulls his hand away from his neck. “Try not to think too much, alright? If you don’t remember what happened, that’s alright, we’ll work on that.”

By work on that, Hanji must’ve meant not speak about it, because it wasn’t brought up again. Not as Levi ate, or as Hanji directed him back to his place in the infirmary. It hurt to watch him. He was trying– oh was he trying. Each step was taken carefully, as if things hurt when he moved the wrong way, and there were periods where he’d just stop and close his eyes. Hanji could only assume he was dizzy, or something. It was even harder to know what he was thinking because he couldn’t speak. Or didn’t speak. The latter was to be assumed, but Hanji wanted to wait and see in hopes he’d be the same old Levi in no time.

But that hope nearly shattered as Levi stops suddenly, looking as if lost. The two are outside, Hanji hoping fresh air will provide more comfort. They fill the silence with words until they see his face, looking like he’s never been here before.

But that isn’t it. He is suddenly feeling very tired, very weak. Hanji watches his mannerisms for a short time before deciding to take him back to their room. Helping him lay down, there’s a gentle look on their face as they brush his cheek. “Fever…” An infection, they fear. Likely from one of his many injuries. There’s a feeling of guilt deep in the pit of Hanji’s stomach. None of this would’ve happened if not for their thunder spear idea. None of it. Levi would be up and talking and calling them names like before, he’d be ok. _He’ll be ok…I’m sure of it._  A smile as they gaze back down at him. “Just try and relax and rest. This is to be expected…I’ll have that fever down in no time. I’m good at that.” They spoke as they waltzed around their room, grabbing various herbs and plants from jars before sitting to grind them in that little stone bowl. “Jaeger gets fevers a lot, probably because of his titan abilities, do you think? Especially when we retrieve him out of that thing. Probably because it’s so hot in there…” As they prattled on about Eren and his titan, they watched Levi out of the corner of their eye, watching him sit uncomfortably. Seemed he was trying to hide it but they saw right through it. He wasn’t feeling good.

“Just stretch out and wait,” they said with a smile and stood. “Be comfortable, and I’ll make this into a tea for you. I know you’d like that.”

Levi wanted to say wait, wanted them to say, but he found such things childish and just looked away as Hanji left him. A hand went to his chest, which felt tight, before he did what Hanji said, and let himself relax and ease into the mattress, something he hadn’t done in literally years. Things felt bleak. He was never one for optimism, but he was feeling worse than he ever had, even as a child with the night fevers. That was what this felt like. And just like then, he now laid in patient agony for them to take him away…forever.

The hour was late. Hanji couldn’t leave Levi’s side, and it seemed he didn’t want them too. The room was pitch black, and Hanji lay awake with Levi at their side, sleeping, just barely. His breathing was short, shallow, and they knew even with the medication he was getting worse. It wasn’t ideal, it wasn’t hopeful.  _He woke up, he finally woke up…that should be something, right Han? But he’s so weak. He was almost better off sleeping. He looks sad. He looks to be hurting. He doesn’t look…_  Their thoughts were interrupted when steely gray eyes met their big brown ones. “Ehhy? Levi you really shouldn’t be awake.”

He didn’t say anything, of course he didn’t, but he wanted to. So much he’d kept hidden, from himself and from anyone. Most assumed he couldn’t stand Hanji. And he really couldn’t. But that was part of their charm. They were so outgoing, kind, eccentric, passionate, lively, foolish messy beaming…happy. All things he wasn’t. All things he didn’t know how to be.  _There_  was the draw. This laughing, loud, filthy haired adorable idiot was everything he wasn’t, everything he couldn’t be, but wanted to be. It’d been so long…he wanted to  _feel_  things again. He didn’t know how. He’d forgotten a long time ago but knew if anyone could show him, it was this fool beside him.

 _What are you thinking…?_ , Hanji thought to themselves as they put a hand to his forehead. Even warmer. Dangerously so. “Did you have a fever dream, Levi?” He honestly looked so sad. “Can you say…?” He couldn’t say. There was only silence, Hanji knew that.

An idea came to Levi. With pale fingers he took their hand, laid it flat with their palm up, and danced his own shaking fingertips across it.

At first, it tickled, and Hanji couldn’t help but smile. And in doing so, they actually caught Levi doing the same. A small, small smile.  _Breathtaking._  But they realized he wasn’t trying to make them laugh. He was making letters. “Y-o-u…?,” they guessed, to which he nodded. “Y-o-u-h-a-v-e-a-n-i-c-e-s-m-i–” They stopped as he finished, and felt a blush dust their cheeks. A nice smile…they never thought they’d hear him say that. “You do too, the nicest I’ve seen…especially for a grump.” A light tease before he began once more. “Y-o-u…m-e-a-n-a-l-o-t-t-o-m-e…” It took them a moment before their heart ceased a moment, and they felt tears coming to their eyes. “Wait right here Levi.” With swiftness and surprising grace, they grabbed a notebook, a quill, and some ink before helping Levi sit up. “It’s just an old journal of mine….you write whatever you need.”

They realized they’d never actually stopped to watch him write before. For a man who’s drawing was so poor, his penmanship was like an art form. Each stroke was like watching him in battle, fast and bold and unlike anything else. As he pulled his hand away, he revealed a page with the following:

_“Hanji, I honestly didn’t see myself living through this. I was sure as shit I was good as dead. But you’re a stubborn shit and wouldn’t have that. So I kept trying. It’s like when I first came here, when Smith fished me out of that shithole called Sina. Everyone saw filth and trash. You saw a potential friend. I’ll admit, I really hated you at first. But as Farlan told me to ‘be sociable’, I came to realize you were the only one who looked past initial thoughts. I don’t think I’d be where I am without that._

_Let’s not bullshit: I’m not doing well. It might be appropriate to go find a tree to keel over against like ol’ Kenny cos that’s Ackerman shit but to die by your side, the pleasure, the privilege, is mine. I can’t guarantee anything, but death is absolute. I’m feeling pretty close as is. Look at this writing. It’s going to shit. I need to lay down. When will you ever hear me say this? Write…”_

Levi’s hand started to waver and careful writing turned into nonsensical scribbles on the page as he clutched a hand to his chest and tried to cough. But that hurt, oh did it hurt. “Easy, easy….” Hanji soothed, hot tears in their eyes as they eased him back to bed. “Levi that was all so…beautiful. I never knew you thought that. But you’re not dying yet. You can’t. I’m not allowing it. I’ll be a stubborn shit about it and I’ll make you eat every god damn plant I can find if it’ll help. I’m not losing you. And this isn’t about your benefit to humanity– which there’s a huge one. This is about me and you. I care about you. More than I’ve probably cared about anyone. You fascinate me…I just want to hold you.” Reaching out, they brushed some of his hair away and, without permission, pulled him close to their chest. He didn’t fight it, to their shock, and also to their shock, he was shaking. Was he cold? Crying?

They couldn’t tell, but they felt his grip get tighter. Was he struggling to cough again? It seemed so. “Oh…Levi…” What the hell were they going to do? This was heart wrenching, this was approaching torture. Because there was nothing they could do but hold him.

Hold him…

Something they’d never gotten to do before. That thought made things even sadder. Just how bad was he feeling to become so… _vulnerable?_  As his body grew stiller, they pulled away a moment and gazed down at his face. Sweat soaked hair clung to his forehead and a bit of blood stained the corner of his lip. But as he looked up at them, he wore the fondest smile. Maybe it was maternal instinct, something, but Hanji swore he looked younger. Like a small, vulnerable child just trying to come off as ok. Things weren’t ok. “What are you smiling about?,” they asked softly, some tears brushing their cheeks. A hand cupped his face and they wiped that dreadful blood away whilst he leaned into their touch. Leaning closer now,  he took their hand once more and started to write again, the letters hard to decipher his hand shook so much. But eventually Hanji got it. The same as the paper.  _“To die by your side, the pleasure is mine”._

He knew it was coming. As it was, he could feel his breaths getting more shallow, could feel the fluids of disease and blood rising in his lung and quite literally drowning him. Slowly, ever so slowly. But he didn’t mind a prolonged occurrence. This gave him more time to try and show Hanji that they meant something to him, a big something.

But Hanji wondered why. Why now? Why was he choosing now to express all this, to show what he was feeling? He never felt…unless….

Their breath caught in their throat. Maybe he was always just afraid to feel. And now, there was nothing to be afraid of. Death was certain, death was absolute. “Levi…” they whimpered out, watching him struggle once more. Blood dotted his chin, his hands, their shirt. Blood was such a common sight and yet, it wasn’t easy. “Just lay down.” A soft plea as they laid beside him, head against his chest to hear that ragged, uneven breathing. He was choking. He was drowning. And yet, as they gazed upon his face, he was smiling. Smiling through all of this, like he wasn’t afraid anymore. “You’re so much braver than I could ever be…” A soft whisper as they ran hands through his hair, trying to make him as comfortable as they could. Blood on the sheets, on both of their faces. But they both just smiled through it. Tears clung to Hanji’s eyes but they kept smiling. For him.

A hand around their own. Levi actually held their hand. “Don’t worry, I washed them,” they joked between a few sniffles. This was so hard, and yet, he seemed so calm, as if death were just another adventure. Was it because of them? Hanji had to wonder. He did say to die by their side was a pleasure.

But why now? That was the hardest part. There was hope, such strong hope, when he opened his eyes mere hours ago. It was as if he was just wanting to tell them goodbye.

Glancing up, Levi’s smile was gone, Hanji saw, likely due to how hard it was to manage anything. With half lidded eyes, he raised a hand and tried to reach. Hanji quickly got the hint, filling the quill with as much ink as they could before handing it and the notebook to Levi.

His writing was shaky, uneven, and jagged– but he was trying. Always trying.

_“When they come back saying we won, tell them I never doubted it. After all, you were directly involved. Tell Erwin I’m sorry about threatening to break his legs, tell the kids I’m proud, and please don’t cry. Shit happens. People die. We’re used to that, right? It never gets easier. But no giving up. You’re a stubborn piece of shit so stay that way. Remember to bathe. See you later.”_

As Hanji held the notebook in her hands to read Levi’s scrawlings, he closed his eyes a moment in discomfort before pressing closer to Hanji. They read with a quivering lip and tear filled eyes before watching him force his way closer. The notebook goes to the floor, a temporary place as it will  _never_  be discarded, as they lay beside him, both arms securing him close as they cradle him to their chest. His eyes are shut, and he looks so calm and peaceful as if sleeping. Long breaths begin to grow few and far between as each beat of his heart gets fainter. Two bodies pressed close in the dark as Levi’s breath rattles on, growing softer with each passing second. Hanji holds their sobs in anticipation that maybe, maybe that breathing won’t stop. Or this is some bad dream.

But this is reality, cold hard reality. Levi is holding onto Hanji with a loosening grip as he tastes more blood in his mouth. His breathing is no longer audible; it’s no longer there. Minor signs of life still cling to the air as his heart beats, exhaustedly, sickishly. Slower, and slower, the only sound Hanji hears as she whispers, “See you later…”

_Thump….thump…….thump……………._

….


End file.
